Fast forward to our recent trip to Africa early this year. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary (a year late...yep, there was a baby too young to leave for that long when it was our 10th). Elise, my best friend in all the world who we are visiting, wants to take me to a local orphanage. I know I want to do this, but I am also torn, because I know what will happen. I will see these babies and want to take them all home with me. It's a natural response for anyone. I'm finally to the place where I'm content with my 4 children and excited about what life looks like and I know that if I walk into this place I will lose that peace and will be discontent. But I know I need to go. In the car on the way there, I prayed quietly to myself, "Please, please, guard my heart, Lord. Let me love on these babies and be the most special part of their day. Teach me what you would have me to learn by visiting this orphanage, but please Lord, let me do this without feeling the need to bring them home." We walked in and were led to a small room that housed babies from 6 months to 2 years of age (you can read more about this orphanage here). We sat on a rug in the middle of the room, walls lined with cribs, and little ones start making their way over to us. A sweet little boy climbed up on my lap. He didn't have very good tone, he just kind of laid there. Any other children who tried to come close, he would push them away. Every once in a while he would reach up and touch my cheek. I kept thinking, oh man, is this the moment I'm going to fall in love with him and want to take him home? We talked with the house mothers for a bit and they told us all of the children's names who were around us (there were more sleeping in some of the cribs) and had a very nice visit. I was truly amazed as our time came to an end, that the Lord had answered my prayers. Certainly I was moved, had compassion on these children, was grateful for all that my children have, and ached for what these children lacked, but I didn't feel the pull to even think about taking any of them home. The little one occupying my lap for the majority of our time crawled off my lap just as one of the house mothers placed a little boy, who had been sleeping, on the rug in front of me. It is so difficult to put into words what happened in that moment. When I try to articulate it, it pales in comparison to what I actually felt or seems totally dramatic. What I do know is that in that moment God clearly prompted and opened my heart to the idea that I needed to think about opening our home to this little boy. It was instantaneous. I didn't know his name, I didn't know his story, but instantly I loved him. He crawled over and up onto my lap and unlike the boy before he crawled right up and wrapped his arms tightly around my neck and just held on. After a few minutes I turned him so I could see him. He played this cute little game that if you looked right in his eyes he would kinda close them, like he was playing peek-a-boo and then he would open them big and bright again and smile. My mind was reeling. I did not want to leave this boy...
I did have to leave this boy. I pulled him off my neck and set him on the floor and he cried big crocodile tears and so did I. We left the room and I tried to compose myself, but had a hard time doing so. Elise asked me if I wanted to go back in. I did, but I knew it wouldn't be fair to that sweet boy to go back in only to have to leave again. We went up stairs to visit with the itty bitty babies, even got to feed a bottle to a baby not much over 4 pounds. It was a sweet time, but all I can remember is thinking about the boy down stairs. We thanked the house mothers and nurse who were so warm to us and headed back towards home. I wasn't sure exactly what to say to Brian when I saw him, and decided to play it by ear. I walked in and sat besides him on the couch and he asked me how it was. I immediately started crying and said that I had fallen in love with a little boy. Here is where miracle number 1 occurred. Brian didn't joke around, he didn't give any reasons why it wasn't a good idea, he didn't say anything I expected to hear from a man who had not long before clearly expressed he was done having children. He looked at Luke and said, "So what do you do next?" I really could hardly believe that for the next several hours we were discussing the process that Luke and Elise themselves had gone through when they adopted their precious son ChiChi. It was really like a dream. There was this conversation happening and at the same time my mind was reeling. Luke said that he knew this trip was more than just a vacation or anniversary trip. He felt strongly that the Lord had much more in store, and that perhaps opening our hearts to adopt was His purpose for our trip. We decided that we would all go to bed and Brian and I would take some time alone to think and pray about this. We went over every scenario our minds could think of with our limited knowledge. Any roadblock one of us would think of, the other would have a solution to remedy it. Ultimately, it came down to this boy. Any inconvenience it would cause or sacrifice it would take on our parts paled in comparison to what this boys life might look like if we didn't proceed. We decided to sleep on it and prayed that if we were not to take the next step that one or both of us would wake up with clear leading from the Lord that this was not what He wanted us to do. Surprisingly we slept well (I had anticipated being up all night!) We both woke in the morning feeling no different that when we had gone to bed. I went and found Elise visiting with a friend in her back yard and cried a bit as I told them that we wanted to see if this child was available for adoption. We all prayed together and then made plans to return to the orphanage that morning and meet with the appropriate staff to first find out the boys name and then see if he was available for adoption...
The social worker was in a meeting, so we met with one of the nurses and explained our situation. When we told her we didn't know the boys name she took us to the room he was in so we could point him out. I immediately found him and went and sat on the floor with him. They told us his name. I'm not going to share his name on this blog...I'm really not sure if I'm supposed to, so I'm going to err on the side of caution. I'll call him "A". Brian and I sat and played with "A" for quite a while, waiting for the social worker to meet with us. He was fascinated with the hair on Brian's legs! Our ride needed to leave and so we left Elise's phone number with one of the staff members to call us when the meeting was over. We got home and within just a few minutes they called us to come back. We went straight to the offices on the back of the property and met with an angel of a woman (I didn't know then what a blessing she would be to me over the months to follow). She told us a little more about his story. He had a 4 year old sister, who we'll call "B", and the children had been removed from their home because of neglect. Both parents were alcoholics and there would be an investigation by the CPU (child protection unit) to determine if the parents were fit to have the children returned to them. They had only been in the orphanage for a month. "B" was at a different orphanage for children over 2 years of age. She said that it may take a very long time for the investigation to be completed. This wasn't totally surprising...there isn't a real urgency to much of anything in Zambia! =) We left with a pink sticky note with the children's names on it and with a gazillion questions. Why would God so clearly open my heart to this child whose parents were still alive, and thus unavailable to adopt. Most would have said that this door was closed at this point. I still wasn't willing to say it was. Luke had put a call in to a woman in the Social Welfare Department that they had worked closely with throughout their adoption of ChiChi and was able to get us a meeting with her that afternoon. We drove frantically through crazy traffic and made it just as she was getting ready to leave. We gave her the children's names and asked if she could give us any further information and as soon as she learned that the parents were alive all she would say to any of our questions was "The children are not available". We headed back home, I was really crushed and totally confused. The only thing I knew for sure was that something had happened in my heart through this experience and that this was not going to be the end of the story.
I did have to leave this boy. I pulled him off my neck and set him on the floor and he cried big crocodile tears and so did I. We left the room and I tried to compose myself, but had a hard time doing so. Elise asked me if I wanted to go back in. I did, but I knew it wouldn't be fair to that sweet boy to go back in only to have to leave again. We went up stairs to visit with the itty bitty babies, even got to feed a bottle to a baby not much over 4 pounds. It was a sweet time, but all I can remember is thinking about the boy down stairs. We thanked the house mothers and nurse who were so warm to us and headed back towards home. I wasn't sure exactly what to say to Brian when I saw him, and decided to play it by ear. I walked in and sat besides him on the couch and he asked me how it was. I immediately started crying and said that I had fallen in love with a little boy. Here is where miracle number 1 occurred. Brian didn't joke around, he didn't give any reasons why it wasn't a good idea, he didn't say anything I expected to hear from a man who had not long before clearly expressed he was done having children. He looked at Luke and said, "So what do you do next?" I really could hardly believe that for the next several hours we were discussing the process that Luke and Elise themselves had gone through when they adopted their precious son ChiChi. It was really like a dream. There was this conversation happening and at the same time my mind was reeling. Luke said that he knew this trip was more than just a vacation or anniversary trip. He felt strongly that the Lord had much more in store, and that perhaps opening our hearts to adopt was His purpose for our trip. We decided that we would all go to bed and Brian and I would take some time alone to think and pray about this. We went over every scenario our minds could think of with our limited knowledge. Any roadblock one of us would think of, the other would have a solution to remedy it. Ultimately, it came down to this boy. Any inconvenience it would cause or sacrifice it would take on our parts paled in comparison to what this boys life might look like if we didn't proceed. We decided to sleep on it and prayed that if we were not to take the next step that one or both of us would wake up with clear leading from the Lord that this was not what He wanted us to do. Surprisingly we slept well (I had anticipated being up all night!) We both woke in the morning feeling no different that when we had gone to bed. I went and found Elise visiting with a friend in her back yard and cried a bit as I told them that we wanted to see if this child was available for adoption. We all prayed together and then made plans to return to the orphanage that morning and meet with the appropriate staff to first find out the boys name and then see if he was available for adoption...
The social worker was in a meeting, so we met with one of the nurses and explained our situation. When we told her we didn't know the boys name she took us to the room he was in so we could point him out. I immediately found him and went and sat on the floor with him. They told us his name. I'm not going to share his name on this blog...I'm really not sure if I'm supposed to, so I'm going to err on the side of caution. I'll call him "A". Brian and I sat and played with "A" for quite a while, waiting for the social worker to meet with us. He was fascinated with the hair on Brian's legs! Our ride needed to leave and so we left Elise's phone number with one of the staff members to call us when the meeting was over. We got home and within just a few minutes they called us to come back. We went straight to the offices on the back of the property and met with an angel of a woman (I didn't know then what a blessing she would be to me over the months to follow). She told us a little more about his story. He had a 4 year old sister, who we'll call "B", and the children had been removed from their home because of neglect. Both parents were alcoholics and there would be an investigation by the CPU (child protection unit) to determine if the parents were fit to have the children returned to them. They had only been in the orphanage for a month. "B" was at a different orphanage for children over 2 years of age. She said that it may take a very long time for the investigation to be completed. This wasn't totally surprising...there isn't a real urgency to much of anything in Zambia! =) We left with a pink sticky note with the children's names on it and with a gazillion questions. Why would God so clearly open my heart to this child whose parents were still alive, and thus unavailable to adopt. Most would have said that this door was closed at this point. I still wasn't willing to say it was. Luke had put a call in to a woman in the Social Welfare Department that they had worked closely with throughout their adoption of ChiChi and was able to get us a meeting with her that afternoon. We drove frantically through crazy traffic and made it just as she was getting ready to leave. We gave her the children's names and asked if she could give us any further information and as soon as she learned that the parents were alive all she would say to any of our questions was "The children are not available". We headed back home, I was really crushed and totally confused. The only thing I knew for sure was that something had happened in my heart through this experience and that this was not going to be the end of the story.
